Chocolate Orbs Melt in Your Mouth, Not In Your Hands: Avoiding Fandom Clichés, Part One

At one point or another, we’ve all succumbed to the cliché. Sometimes, they’re necessary. A well-placed cliché—one which acknowledges its cliché-ness—can do wonders for the right scene. More often than not, though, fandom clichés are like said bookisms—they detract from, not enhance one’s writing.

So, without further ado and in no particular order, I present to you the first installment of my list of clichés to avoid at all cost while writing  Twific.

Upon meeting Bella, Edward immediately gives her a petname. 

Think about it. If a guy you just met started calling you ‘brown eyes’, would you like it? You’d probably think he was lame—at best. More than likely, you’d think he was a total sleaze. This is equally true of  ‘love’, darlin’ (in Jasper’s case), and any endearment in French or Italian.

“Cum for me! Cum now!”

Sigh. There’s so much wrong with this one I don’t know where to start. First of all, it’s generally accepted among erotica writers that ‘cum’ refers to ejaculate and ‘come’ refers to orgasm. Secondly, seriously? Can women do that? Because if I could, I wouldn’t be writing this article. I’d be off somewhere…well…you know.

Granted, this might have its place among bdsm fics. But in vanilla sex, if a guy said that to you, would you find it hot? I know I’d laugh my ass off—and that’s a real mood killer.

La Perla

Made the lingerie of choice by The Office, now whenever lingerie is mentioned by brand, ninety percent of the it comes from La Perla. Here’s a thought—why mention the brand name at all? Calling it “Italian and expensive” works just as well, and readers won’t think of someone else’s story while reading yours.

In general, unless name brands are somehow relevant to the story, it’s best to omit.

Rich People Who Go Around Talking About How Much Things Cost

Fact: When we grow up surrounded by something, we tend to take it for granted. This is true of everything from emotionally-supportive parents to decent eyesight.  Money is no exception. A man who comes from extreme privilege isn’t thinking about his two-thousand-dollar Armani pants as he jizzes in them.  More than likely, he’s not thinking about anything at all.

She looked at me through her lashes. 

Is this even possible? I’ve tried; it makes me look stoned, not sexy.

His eyes were dark with lust. 

This works in canon and vamp-AU only. In all-human, it just doesn’t work.

Dancing, Pixie Alice

Cockblocking Pixie Alice

Cockblocking Shopping-Obsessed Pixie Alice


My best friend is four-foot-ten, and if I ever called her a pixie, I’m sure she’d stab me in the throat with her stilettos. And if a guy did it? She’d think he was from another planet.   There’s so much more to Alice’s character than shopping and brow-beating Bella into wearing nicer clothes—and that’s what makes  good reading.

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. 

Vampires are aware of everything, and humans need to breathe. If we’re not getting oxygen, we tend to notice this.

Next time (much to our chagrin), we’ll tackle tongues battling for dominance, hymens located inches inside vaginas, and p popping. You’ll want to read it with every fiber of your being.

10 Responses to Chocolate Orbs Melt in Your Mouth, Not In Your Hands: Avoiding Fandom Clichés, Part One

  1. fiona says:

    *takes notes* sweet I think I have only done one *runs off to delete craptastic cliche*

    • sleepyvalentina says:

      I’ve been guilty of a few as well—I totally own having deleted the phrase “with every fiber of my being” from Art After 5. 😉

  2. Rags says:

    Oh, the lashes thing! Every time I come across that one, I try it and fail.

    Great article. I’m probably guilty of a few of those, and maybe one day I’ll care enough to go back and change it 😛

  3. RaindropSoup says:

    *chuckles* Love the article, and wholeheartedly agree. But, I am guilty of using BENEATH the lashes, and I have to say, a man doing it is way sexier than a girl doing it. I mean just imagine RPattz peering at you that way with orbs darkened lust. He wouldn’t even have to say “Cum for me. Cum now!” I just would on the La Perla panties that Fashion-obssessed Pixie Alice bought for me.

    *laughs* Sorry. I couldn’t resist. Great post!

    • sleepyvalentina says:

      You be careful. There’s no absorbency in La Perla panties. Your juices will run down your thighs and leave puddles on the seat of the car he bought you.

      • RaindropSoup says:

        *bats lashes, looking a little stoned (or a little demented)* Think he’ll mind with all that money he has? 😉

  4. Irritable Grizzzly says:

    HA!Looks like a mini version of my profile. This is a very good list. Don’t forget reaching down with his free hand, putting a stray lock of hair behind her ear, her mahogany tresses cascading down her back, and the virgin O. But the lashes one? Obviously nobody has actually tried physically doing it, or they’d know how stupid it looked.

    • sleepyvalentina says:

      Mahogany tresses. And it’s usually Edward who says this because you know, men bust out the trusty Roget’s when trying to score.

  5. Irritable Grizzzly says:

    Yes. And he also knows the exact shade of the dress she’s wearing, who the designer is, what the material is, and the pattern. And that her shoes are peep-toe. But TOTALLY straight.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: