Dot Dot Not: The Right Way to Use Ellipses

When I was a freshman in high school, the school drama club performed Christopher Sergel’s play Up the Down Staircase. In it, a young high-school teacher receives a love letter from one of his students. Not one to let a girl down gently, he asks her to stay after class, at which point he reads it back to her with his corrections:

Each time this monologue was delivered, the audience erupted into laughter. Sure, the guy playing Paul had great comedic timing, but that was only part of what made it hilarious. Mostly, the scene works because overuse of ellipses is as common in amateur (as well as adolescent) writing as said bookisms and comma splices. This isn’t to say you should never use ellipses in fiction. There are some instances in which you can confidently (and quite correctly) bust out those three little dots.

Use ellipses in dialogue to indicate a character is trailing off.
This is not to be confused with dashes, which are used to show interruption.

“But I thought…” She shook her head, sighing. “I don’t know what I thought.”

“You didn’t think; that’s the problem. If you used what’s between your ears half as much as you use what’s between your legs–”

“How dare you!”

Use ellipses to show part of a conversation is being omitted, e.g. one side of a phone conversation.

“Hello… Yes, this is she… Go die in a fire; I’m on the Do Not Call list.”

Ellipses may also be used within dialogue to indicate a pause.

“He would never do that…would he?”

This one is a bit dicier. From a grammatical standpoint, the above sentence is correct. However, it tells readers the character hesitates without showing them why or how—information which can greatly strengthen the scene.

“He would never do that.”  She replays his answers in her head, hoping to reassure herself. The more she thinks about it, she realizes how vague he’s been when she’s asked him about his ATM withdrawals. Her heart beats faster; she feels her face heat up. “Would he?”

Using a beat in place of an ellipsis is a good way to make sure you’re showing readers a scene, rather than simply relaying what is being spoken. And what’s the first rule of writing fiction? Show; don’t tell.

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This post was suggested by an EBS user with the enthusiastic support of EBS co-founder Detochkina, who despises the overuse of ellipses as intensely as she loves designer footwear. If there’s a topic you’d like to see covered, leave a comment or tweet @sleepyvalentina.

Twit-Tip: Sleepyvalentina on Writing Flashbacks Without Resorting to Italics

Writing flashbacks can be problematic for writers. Often they fail at forwarding the plot and succeed at pulling the reader out of the story.  This isn’t to say they aren’t sometimes necessary. For example,  if knowing a character is recalling a certain moment in time changes how readers will interpret his or her actions in the present,  a flashback is often the way to go. Here are some things to keep in mind before you hop into your plutonium-fueled DeLorian:

Generally, readers hate flashbacks. 

Unfortunately, readers tend to skip and/or skim flashbacks thinking what happened in the past isn’t relevant to what is happening now. This is why the best flashbacks are the ones you don’t even notice. When you seamlessly integrate the flashback into the current narrative, readers won’t be able to blow it off—it will just read as part of the story.

Avoid using italics.

Italicized text isn’t easy on the eyes and should be used only when necessary. When it comes to flashbacks, it’s rarely necessary.  Besides, given that we know most readers skip flashbacks, why would you want to call attention to one by changing the typography?

Make verb tenses work for you. 

There’s a scene in The Last Days of Disco in which a character calls another character out for lying about when something happened based on the tense he used:

Bernie Rafferty: You didn’t tell me about that.
Des McGrath: I didn’t think it was important, it only just happened.
Bernie Rafferty: When?
Des McGrath: Tonight – just now.
Bernie Rafferty: Why did you use the past perfect, then?
Des McGrath: I used the past perfect?
Bernie Rafferty: Yeah: “I was approached.” It sounds like a while ago.

Even if most people don’t know what past perfect (or pluperfect) is called, they know how it sounds. The song lyric in the title is a perfect example:

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you
Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new

These two lines are in present tense. Then we go to past:

Flashback, warm nights, almost left behind
Suitcase of memories, time after

Flashback over, the following verse resumes the present tense:

Sometimes you picture me
I’m walking too far ahead

Easy to follow, isn’t it? We’ve all heard it thousands of times probably never found ourselves confused by the lyrics.

What does this mean for you? If your story is written in the present, put the flashback in simple past. If you’re writing in simple past, put the flashback in pluperfect.  Perhaps the most famous example of this is Daphne du Maurier’s  Rebecca, a novel told primarily in flashback. The book opens with the following passage:

Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again. It seemed to me I stood by the iron gate leading to the drive, and for a while I could not enter, for the way was barred to me.

Again, past tense. By the end of the first chapter, it shifts:

In reality, I lay many hundred miles away in an alien land, and would wake before many seconds has passed in the bare little hotel room, comforting in its lack of atmosphere.  I would sigh a moment, stretch myself and turn…

The beginning of the passage is in past tense but then shifts to conditional, which is used to describe acts which may or may not take place.

Use Time Words to Transition

If you feel shifting tenses is a bit cumbersome (and in some instances, it would be) tell readers the scene is in the past:

I no longer feel as if I’m a young woman in a high-end Washington DC boutique. I’m back to being a little girl in bungalow in Washington State, playing dress-up in the clothes her mother never wears. The shag carpet in my parents’ bedroom is hideous, but I don’t realize it because I don’t know anything else. I walk on the old orange rug slowly, wearing a cheap version of the shoes I have on now. Much like the saleslady at the boutique, my mom keeps them in her closet, just in case. I scuff my feet as I move, trying my best not to topple over…

My future is made of fake patent leather, and not even the crude reality of a metal rod exposed by a missing heel tap could deter me from counting the seconds until it arrives.

It’s all in present tense, but we know she’s thinking of her childhood. The next sentence brings us back to the present:

When it finally does, it’s anti-climactic. Not only are stilettos uncomfortable as hell, I still can’t walk in them.

Again, all in present tense—but the timeline is easily followed.

Be a Writer, Not a Typographer 

There are times italics are necessary—thoughts, the occasional emphasis, when Edward is reading minds. Generally though, the overuse of italics is a sign of an insecure writer. And even if you’re not secure enough in your writing to think it will speak for itself, do you really want your readers to know this?

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sleepyvalentina has a bachelor’s degree in English from a nationally ranked liberal arts college you’ve never heard of. Italics make her eyes bleed.

“Time After Time” © 1984 Robert Hyman and Cyndi Lauper

Rebecca © 1938 Daphne du Maurier

The Last Days of Disco © 1998 Whit Stillman

Chocolate Orbs Melt in Your Mouth, Not In Your Hands: Avoiding Fandom Clichés, Part One

At one point or another, we’ve all succumbed to the cliché. Sometimes, they’re necessary. A well-placed cliché—one which acknowledges its cliché-ness—can do wonders for the right scene. More often than not, though, fandom clichés are like said bookisms—they detract from, not enhance one’s writing.

So, without further ado and in no particular order, I present to you the first installment of my list of clichés to avoid at all cost while writing  Twific.

Upon meeting Bella, Edward immediately gives her a petname. 

Think about it. If a guy you just met started calling you ‘brown eyes’, would you like it? You’d probably think he was lame—at best. More than likely, you’d think he was a total sleaze. This is equally true of  ‘love’, darlin’ (in Jasper’s case), and any endearment in French or Italian.

“Cum for me! Cum now!”

Sigh. There’s so much wrong with this one I don’t know where to start. First of all, it’s generally accepted among erotica writers that ‘cum’ refers to ejaculate and ‘come’ refers to orgasm. Secondly, seriously? Can women do that? Because if I could, I wouldn’t be writing this article. I’d be off somewhere…well…you know.

Granted, this might have its place among bdsm fics. But in vanilla sex, if a guy said that to you, would you find it hot? I know I’d laugh my ass off—and that’s a real mood killer.

La Perla

Made the lingerie of choice by The Office, now whenever lingerie is mentioned by brand, ninety percent of the it comes from La Perla. Here’s a thought—why mention the brand name at all? Calling it “Italian and expensive” works just as well, and readers won’t think of someone else’s story while reading yours.

In general, unless name brands are somehow relevant to the story, it’s best to omit.

Rich People Who Go Around Talking About How Much Things Cost

Fact: When we grow up surrounded by something, we tend to take it for granted. This is true of everything from emotionally-supportive parents to decent eyesight.  Money is no exception. A man who comes from extreme privilege isn’t thinking about his two-thousand-dollar Armani pants as he jizzes in them.  More than likely, he’s not thinking about anything at all.

She looked at me through her lashes. 

Is this even possible? I’ve tried; it makes me look stoned, not sexy.

His eyes were dark with lust. 

This works in canon and vamp-AU only. In all-human, it just doesn’t work.

Dancing, Pixie Alice

Cockblocking Pixie Alice

Cockblocking Shopping-Obsessed Pixie Alice

etc.

My best friend is four-foot-ten, and if I ever called her a pixie, I’m sure she’d stab me in the throat with her stilettos. And if a guy did it? She’d think he was from another planet.   There’s so much more to Alice’s character than shopping and brow-beating Bella into wearing nicer clothes—and that’s what makes  good reading.

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. 

Vampires are aware of everything, and humans need to breathe. If we’re not getting oxygen, we tend to notice this.

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Next time (much to our chagrin), we’ll tackle tongues battling for dominance, hymens located inches inside vaginas, and p popping. You’ll want to read it with every fiber of your being.

Twit-Tip: “That’s what she said!” Sleepyvalentina Expounds on Dialogue

Since my own writing is so dialogue-heavy, it tends to be the first thing I notice when I read. It also tends to be the area in which I receive the most questions when I beta. Getting the punctuation right is easy. Ultimately, it comes down to voice.

Here are the basic rules:

Dialogue tags, also called attributions, are typically part of the same sentence as what is being spoken.

Example:

“Hello, Isabella,” he says.

If the verb within the attribution isn’t something that can be done with one’s vocal chords, it’s a beat, not a tag. Beats get their own sentences.

Examples:

“Am I?” He shakes his head.

Alice pokes my arm. “It’s your turn.”

When there’s a beat, generally a tag isn’t necessary.

Example:

Alice pokes my arm and says, “It’s your turn.”

It reads a bit awkwardly, no? Using an attribution alongside a beat provides no additional information and adds unnecessary words—something which only distracts readers from the story thus weakening the writing. Writing concisely brings focus to the words that matter. When important details are no longer in competition with superfluous ones, they stand out more.

Example:

Jesus wept.

(John 11:35)

Avoiding “said” bookisms

Remember how your teachers told you the mark of a good writer was varying word choice in dialogue tags? They lied. This is one instance in which it’s better to be redundant. Generally, one should stick with with said and asked.

“But but but!” you yell. “If I use ‘say’, readers won’t know I’m raising my voice.”

Actually, they would—the exclamation point tells them everything they need to know. Words like yell in attributions are known as said bookisms. Though using them in tags is not technically incorrect, doing so makes one’s writing seem amateurish. Again, less is more. The word said is invisible. Readers gloss over it, focusing instead on the dialogue itself—which is exactly what we want them to do. If how something is said is so important, omit the tag and use a beat.

“I know I’ll die of cancer like my mother,” she chokes out.

It reads awkwardly, and it’s a classic example of telling and not showing.

“I know I’ll die of cancer like my mother…” Her voice breaks. She takes a deep breath, then swallows with such force the muscles in her throat flex.

I’m not saying you should never use verbs other than said in dialogue tags. A well-placed said bookism can really get readers’ attention. Reserve them for when they are truly needed.

Let Us Not Forget Tom Swiftly

And no, I’m not talking about some guy I screwed who came too quickly.

The Tom Swift book series is infamous for formulaic dialogue tags involving a said bookism followed by an adverb. A Tom Swiftly (also know as a Tom Swifty) is any such attribution containing a pun.

“We must hurry,” said Tom swiftly.

Okay, so that one is indeed ridiculous. But if we avoid said bookisms, don’t we need adverbs to indicate how the dialogue was said?

You don’t.

Any of the writers for whom I beta will tell you I mark up almost every dialogue tag containing an adverb. It’s a huge pet peeve of mine—not because they read as formulaic (though they do) but because they tell without showing. Oh, I admit I did this all over Art After 5—it’s a huge part of why reading my early fic makes me cringe.

He was so obviously nervous, I couldn’t help but tease him.
“So, come here often?” I asked playfully.

The current edit looks like this:

His nervousness was endearing.
The next thing I knew, I was teasing him. “Come here often?”

Fewer words, yes. But they read a little more easily and say a little bit more.

Again, I’m not saying all adverbs are evil. But like said bookisms and my five-inch-high stilettos that crunch my baby toes, they’re best left for special occasions.

Trust me on this. I learned it the hard way.

10 Tips to Make Your Beta Love You

We want to thank Raum at My Reading Lounge for asking us to write this article and for her very appreciated support since we started our service.  She has a series of Writing Labs posted, and we urge you to check out her site.

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Yes, betas can love, too. A good beta should comment on all the little details that seem off, while giving you some much needed love and care for the baby that took you hours to birth. Your chapters should be filled with red marks, not only commenting on grammar, but also on the fabulously constructed sentences, the intriguing details, and that awesome character flaw you gave Alice. The biggest reason for betas not to show this love is simply obvious grammar errors every writer should be able to avoid.

So what is it that makes your betas want to tear their hair out as they go through your chapter? Here is a list of items that my fellow betas and I have come up with, along with some tips on how to fix or avoid them.

1. Commas around the one who is being addressed. It is the simplest comma rule to learn! When you’re addressing someone, put the little commas around the name/nickname/terms of endearment, etc.

– Example: “Hello, Bella.” “So, slugger, you’re a doctor now?” “Don’t be so stubborn, dear.”

2. Commas before or after dialogue tags: the second easiest comma rule! And what exactly is a dialogue tag, you ask? It is anything following or preceding dialogue (inside the quotes) that describes the manner of the dialogue being presented.

– Example: “Hello,” he shouted. He whispered, “Don’t tell anyone.”

Note: even if the dialogue tag comes before the actual dialogue, there is still a comma, and the first letter of the speech should be capitalized—unless it’s a continuation of a sentence from before the tag. Example: “You would think,” she said, “that he would learn from his mistakes.”

Check here for a list of dialogue tags.

3. Use your spell check! Some spell checkers are better than others, so if you think you have the word right when spell check says otherwise, google it or look it up in a dictionary. A lot of the time, spell check is right. If your word processor doesn’t have built-in spell check, here is a free one online.

4. Homophones. If your spelling is poor, it’s hard to remember the difference between week and weak, or waist and waste (a spelling error I made frequently in grade school, and I still google it whenever I use either one, just to be absolutely sure). A good spell check will put blue squiggly lines if it thinks you’re using the wrong word or phrase. However, for many, it’s just something you have to learn—and good writers should put in the effort to learn it! Google is your friend.

Did you know that if you type in the search bar define [insert word] it will show you the top definitions of that word? And you can click More for more!

Try to come up with mnemonic strategies to learn the difference (like I frequently have to remind my sister, “where and here; were and are”).

5. Notice the changes your beta is suggesting! Often, the beta will tell you why they’re suggesting the change, but when they don’t, try to notice a pattern. When betas can’t be bothered to put in an explanation, it’s usually because the error is so basic or that they’ve already pointed out the rule, maybe even several times. Sometimes your betas don’t even know the rule, but they have learned the pattern from someone else. If you’re not sure why your beta suggested the change, try googling for a rule or ask EBS!

6. Make sure all the tenses are consistent. If you’re writing in past tense, there should be no verbs in the present tense! You can use simple past (write → wrote), past perfect (write → had written), past continuous (write → was writing), or past perfect continuous (write → had been writing). You should also shy away from words like now, here, today, tomorrow, yesterday, this, these, etc. They all indicate present tense and will often break the past tense flow. 

Note—if you’re writing in past tense and/or 1st person, you really shouldn’t be using the 2nd person pronoun “you.” It’s bad form. Many people will tell you to avoid it when writing in present tense and/or 3rd person as well, but I personally say that then it’s more a question of writing style.

Click here for a very good site about verb tenses.

7. Apostrophes. They are only ever used:

– in contractions (you are → you’re);

– to show the possessive of nouns, but never pronouns (the man’s dog →never you’re dog); 

Note that the plural possessive goes after the plural S (The Cullens’ house, his parents’ house, etc.). Some people prefer to add an additional S after the apostrophe (e.g. The Cullens’s house), but if you do, remember to be consistent!

– when something has been removed from the word, like in contractions or when pointing out a g-dropping accent (hitting → hittin’).

The easiest way to remember when to use apostrophes is to ask yourself if you can insert something instead. You’re andthey’re can obviously be changed to you are and they are, you can add a g to hittin’, and the possessive? Well, that is really clever, actually. The possessive apostrophe started out as a contraction of the noun and the possessive pronoun, e.g. this isthe man his dog. This is why it doesn’t work with pronouns; you would never say this is your your dog (not even in the old days)! Clever, right?

8. Overuse of the word that. Did you know that people use that 80% more in writing than in speech? It really isn’t used as often we think. I might be making up the number, but the truth is, it is used too much in writing, and often it can be removed. 

– Example: “the reason that it broke” → “the reason it broke.”

Then of course is the misuse of that where it should be replaced with which. Check Grammar Girl for a good explanation of that vs. which.

However, when in reference of a person, it should always bewho—unless it’s a question of which one you’re talking about.

9. Jumps in time—if there are any in your chapter, make it clear. Either mention it in the text (which can easily be done in 3rd person and/or past tense writing), or mark it off with a page break. If you are suddenly writing a scene that happened three weeks after the last scene and you don’t make that fact clear, it will be disorienting for both the reader and the beta. Same goes for sudden flashbacks.

When writing flashbacks, I would recommend using the tenses and a play on the narrative as a tool to indicate the time change instead of putting whole paragraphs into italics. You’re writing in the past tense? Use past perfect to indicate the event happened further in the past. Writing in present tense? Use simple past or past perfect to indicate that it’s not happening now. Then you can also tone back the dialogue and tell the reader what happened, rather than show.

Don’t know the difference between show and tell in writing?Click here for a great article about the subject!)

10. Use two betas! You can never have too many pairs of eyes looking through your chapter. Even the best novels go through multiple editors and are read time and time again before it goes to print, and still there are errors. Every beta has a different set of skills in her armory, so even if one of your betas isn’t particularly good with commas or explaining the rules of why that comma should be there, the other might be able to make up for that.

Submit your story to Project Team Beta and find a pair of permanent betas that complement each other and fit your style, or you can submit it to Sparkly Red Pen, who will accept up to 5 of your chapters and will work closely with you to help you improve your writing !

There you have it! Some of these tips might look more complicated than others, but the key is to google or ask around. The second or third chapter you submit to your beta might make or break your writer-beta relationship because those will show if you are truly taking in their comments. Once you actively start avoiding the mistakes your betas have pointed out to you, your writing will improve. One day your grammar might even be good enough for you to be able to coach someone else through their writing experience!

We here at Emergency Beta Service encourage both writers and betas to ask for second opinions or grammar rules and to ask when they get stuck on something. It can be for clearing up differences in opinions and confusion or helping the writer improve independently. We are generally available from 7am to 12am EST every day, but follow us on Twitter @emergencybeta for further information about who is on duty and when.